Do You Date on the Defense?

This piece is an exploration of the different ways I’ve observed myself and others hedge against intimacy, in efforts to stay “safe,” and how these mechanisms and conditioned ways of seeing keep us from experiencing nourishing intimacy. This list is neither comprehensive, nor scientifically backed, but rather a reflection based on observations, created with the intention to spark inquiry—in what ways might I be hindering my intention of authentic and intimate connection, and how can I support myself to soften and open?

Many of us date defensively, and aren't aware of it. Defensive dating patterns form as an attempt to keep us safe from getting hurt when we date, but these patterns can hinder us from experiencing meaningful connection and from learning about ourselves.

When we invest our energy in self-preservation, we have less energy available for connection and are less available to opportunities for insight. We're left feeling tired, stressed, frustrated, and unsatisfied as we date.

Defensive Dating patterns are expressions of a fixed mindset towards dating— we fear failure, view challenges or obstacles as failure, and see the world including how we are, and how others are as static. Dating is more fun, and can feel valuable when we take on a growth mindset— seeing each challenge, and each engagement as an opportunity to learn, grow and thrive.

With awareness, we can notice when we are defended, so that we can begin to soften, and take care of ourselves in more constructive ways that also allow for more vulnerable, intimate and meaningful experiences of connection with others.

Defensive dating can take many forms, and can express in various forms within the same person. I’ve broken Defensive Dating patterns down into four types: The Analyzer, The Critic/Judge, The Skeptic, and The Performer to animate these tendencies.

My hope is that this article serves as a framework to spark introspection and expand awareness. With awareness and practice, we can date from a more empowered place.

What can help us catch a defensive dating pattern is by becoming aware of any co-present feelings, or senses on a mental, physical or energetic level. For example:

Tension

Fogginess

Confusion

Exhaustion

Frustration

Contraction

Spinning thoughts

may be present when we are within a contracted state, or dating on the defense.

Capacities of Empowered Dating

To better understand defensive dating, let’s first look at empowered dating— heart and mind states that serve self-nourishment, self-understanding as well as connection.

Curiosity: A lightness of heart, a willingness to not know, which can be applied to examining our own experience as well as to not pre-decide how someone is, or how they will “fit” into your life.

Confidence: Our ability to trust ourselves and the flow of life. To know that some things we can and should take action on, while others require discernment, patience, and inaction.

Accountability: A recognition of our own needs, desires, boundaries, and tendencies and a willingness to take ownership of tending to them to care for ourselves and our relationships.

Non-Attachment: A willingness to remain open to the unfolding, and see it all as learning and information on the path without demanding it turn out a certain way.

Discernment: The ability to get clear internally, and make choices in our lives based on that clarity.

To go into more depth on curiosity and confidence, read our article How’s Your Dating Life, Really?

Meet The Defensive Daters

THE ANALYZER

The tendency of the analyzer is to assess the other person first. The opportunity, when we become aware of an inner analyzer is instead to turn the power of observation towards our own experience, and feelings to examine and get curious about what is evoked within, amid the connection, relationship, or interaction.

Many of us can get caught up in the business of analysis. Under the guise of being curious, or the illusion of being clever, we get caught trying to figure someone out, read the signs, and make sense of other people’s behavior. In doing this, we miss out on a valuable opportunity to look inwards to understand our experience, what needs we are hoping to meet through the strategy of analyzing.

The analyzer investigates to gain a sense of control, or to have an internal experience of leverage or safety. Analysis is mild fear disguised as curiosity. When we analyze, we are trying to “figure it out” to protect ourselves, have the upper-hand, rationalize, justify, validate etc. The focus is on understanding for self-preservation or self-elevation— if we believe that if we understand we feel safe. But true understanding seeks to connect, not to defend.

Instead of analyzing someone else’s behavior, we can look at how we feel, and ask ourselves what we need, and take care of ourselves by sharing our needs, expressing our limits, or initiating a discussion to arrive at more clarity and understanding.

From the empowered place of clarity, and self-accountability, instead of guessing, or making assumptions, we can offer up our own perception, and reality check it relationally.

The Analyzer’s Thoughts:

They’re... not over their ex, not emotionally mature, looking for something more serious than I am, confused, only dating because...

The thoughts are trying to figure something out or feel more certain.

Redirecting affirmation:

My truth can spark connection. What’s true for me is...

THE JUDGE OR CRITIC

The tendency of the judge or critic is to assess the faults, or shortcomings of another. What is often co-present with judgmental thoughts is fear, or mild conceit—that we are better than or separate from the other. The judge or critic fuels separation. The opportunity when we become aware of an inner judge, is to evoke curiosity, and look to understand which of our own needs are not being met, and the needs of the other person.

The Judge or Critic are similar to the analyzer in that the attention is placed on making assessments about the other person instead of our own experience. These are more direct expressions of the absence of curiosity. And instead of investigating to seek understanding about another by going inward, or talking with them, we label, or place them in boxes to gain a sense of control or safety.

The Judge may come out when you don’t trust your capacity to discern. It is important to have discernment, and some expression of the judge or critic can be a skillful use of deciding who you give your energy to. It becomes counterproductive when you already know how you feel, and what you need, and you’re going down the path of harping on the judging or labeling in order to justify or rationalize your experience, or your decision to not want to give your energy to someone. Your experience is your experience and that is valid. It feels better to hold people kindly, honor our experience and move forward.

The Critic’s Thoughts:

They’re... narcissistic, wounded, the type that...

The thoughts are statements about the shortcomings of another.

Redirecting affirmation:

I trust myself. My truth brings me clarity and confidence. May they be well.

THE SKEPTIC

The skeptic projects the past into the future. They assume things not working out to lessen the blow or avoid feeling disappointed or navigating grief. The opportunity when the skeptic is arising is to practice presence. To stay in the unfolding of the process.

The skeptic lowers their expectations, and keeps their heart guarded by assuming rejection, or imbalance. The fear of being let down in turn often creates the experience that’s feared, as it feeds the thought-forms and vibrations of “failure.” The skeptic makes assumptions about the other person, and is operating from past hurt, rather than from present time possibility. The skeptic has a fixed mind-state rather than a growth mind-state towards dating, seeing every interaction as another potential loss to avoid, rather than an experience to learn from, and is rushing towards the end/hurt rather than being in the journey of what’s happening now.  The skeptic may come out when you are not feeling confident in the unfolding.

The Skeptic’s Thoughts:

They’re not going to get me, they’re not into people like me, I’ve definitely been friend zoned, it’s not going to work out…

The thoughts are negative, and laden with doubt about other people.

Redirecting affirmation:

I receive the gift of discovering what’s true here, now within this connection.

THE PERFORMER

The performer avoids vulnerability and uncertainty by attempting to repeat what’s worked when they experienced pleasant outcomes within a connection. The opportunity is to practice with emergence, and stay close to your own experience, rather than preplan how you’ll show up, or try to control how the other person perceives you.

Our performer curates and presents facets of themself that they feel confident “work”, questioning if their whole-being will be received, liked, validated, or appreciated. We’ve developed ideas about what goes over well, and what doesn’t and we try to optimize for what will be well-received, foregoing an authentic expression of self, and real vulnerability for something that feels safer. Performing is an expression of scarcity consciousness and a fear of failure. We believe on some level that we cannot have what we want if we are ourselves. Our performer fears failure, and rejection. We place our power into the outcome of being received, and instead of showing up with presence to meet each interaction. We focus on how we are “presenting”.

The Performer’s Thoughts:

I hope they like that I...

I’ve been told I…

I’m known as the...

The thoughts fantasize about repeating experiences of acceptance and approval.

Redirecting affirmation:

It’s not the things I do, but how I am that is worthy, and lovable. My essence is enough. I am enough.

See what resonates and if you can catch your own mind going down any of these paths. Noticing our patterns is the first step to shifting them. What other defensive tendencies do you notice within? We’d love to hear from you. Email hello@humhum.space to share more about your journey.