What Is Practice-Based Dating?
Dating nowadays can feel a lot like a numbers game. In our swipe- and profile-based culture, the objective often seems to be more about hunting for and discovering "the one" than it is about cultivating authentic connection and doing the self-work that supports inner alignment.
Here at humhum, we are on a mission to change the paradigm.
In contrast to the traditional dating process—which can feel transactional, extractive, and outcome oriented, we aim to foster dating experiences that feel connected, generative, and expansive. We call this dating as a practice.
When two (or more) humans consciously choose to create a meaningful connection, and when that connection is met with curiosity and care, it becomes a positive force that invites growth and exploration. As a result, a new identity emerges as the result of the connection, and we think of this as the relationship intelligence.
Practice-based dating focuses on restoring the intelligence of intimate relationships so that we can connect, date, and partner in ways that nourish ourselves and our community.
The 3 Foundational Elements of Dating as a Practice
There are three foundational elements to approach dating as a practice: shared orientation (a commitment by all parties to act ethically and with care), supportive capacities (developing the skills needed to build relationships), and foundational scaffolding (cultivating a safe and supportive environment that nurtures the commitment to ethics and capacity building).
SHARED ORIENTATION
Simply put, shared orientation means that all parties agree to approach dating as a practice. This includes speaking and acting in consideration for the other(s), taking responsibility for their actions and experiences, remaining present, and understanding their own goals and reasons for being there. Core concepts include:
Creating a culture of care. This refers to practicing mutual respect in thought, speech, and action at every stage of connection, with the goal of offering goodness and leaving people better than we found them.
Radical self-responsibility. This is a commitment to taking responsibility for our truth, needs, capacity, reactivity, behavior and experience. It means that we commit to "cleaning up our side of the street"—our mindset, patterns, and the behaviors we choose to nourish as well as those we aim to uproot in our quest for meaningful connection.
Making space for and honoring emergence. Philosophically, emergence refers to a new thing that forms as the result of other things coming together, and that new thing may take on its own properties and behaviors separate from the original parts. In terms of relationships, it is the relationship intelligence mentioned above—the thing that emerges when all parties agree to arrive as their authentic selves.
Rigor of purpose. When we make the choice to show up and connect, it helps to do so in a way that aligns with our sense of purpose or defined purpose in the world. Owning and honoring our purpose supports discernment around our yeses and nos so we can authentically communicate and connect.
SUPPORTIVE CAPACITIES
The second foundational element needed to approach dating as a practice is supportive capacities. Cultivation of the following capacities is helpful in navigating the uncertainty, vulnerability, and possibility of entering into and sustaining harmonious intimate relationships:
Authenticity. This is the courage to bring our truth into the conversation so that it can be known and met. Authenticity directly supports emergence and includes truth around our capacity, limits, needs, desires, and fears.
Non-attachment to outcome. This capacity requires us to choose to release how we might receive something and our ideas of how it should go—even while wholeheartedly desiring it. A departure from the patriarchal control paradigm, non-attachment directly supports the orientation to make space for emergence.
Willingness. To approach dating as a practice, we can catch the impulse to impose, fix, save, or criticize and choose to be willing to accept what is. Willingness also directly supports the orientation to make space for emergence.
Tenderness. Tenderness directly supports the orientation of creating a culture of care by promoting kindness, empathy, and compassion for ourselves and within our interactions. It also supports self-responsibility and invites us to meet ourselves with gentleness, allowing us to more easily hold and take responsibility for conflict and difficulty.
Generosity. This capacity supports a culture of care by fostering a mindset of abundance and sharing, rather than competition and scarcity.
Faith. Holding faith in life, humanity, and the interconnected web of being elevates mindfulness and resilience, allowing us to continue to show up and keep the heart open amid disappointment and loss.
Commitment to practice. As with any practice we choose to follow, our success relies on our commitment to staying true to a practice orientation.
FOUNDATIONAL SCAFFOLDING
The third and final element needed to approach dating as a practice is a supportive environment that upholds our capacity building and commitment to ethics and care. Scaffolding involves making sure everyone feels clear and supported in their journey, and that the conditions are right for achieving the individual and group goals and intentions.
At humhum, we understand that humans need spaces, rituals, and strong intentions to foster safety, nurture belonging, encourage truth, and support the cultivation of these individual and relational capacities for relationships to be beneficial.
The scaffolding we create is fundamental to the experience design; through our community agreements, dialogue format, date design, and shared language around reciprocity (or the absence of such) following a date, we set and maintain a safe container in which humans can explore and build connection.
The Takeaway
The future of relationships lies in reorienting our approach from an individualistic, outcome-driven perspective to one that values collective well-being and authentic connection. By embracing a practice-based approach to dating, we can foster relationships that are nourishing, dynamic, and generative.
This shift invites us to cultivate essential capacities such as authenticity, non-attachment, and compassion, supported by intentional frameworks like those provided by humhum. Ultimately, by prioritizing relationships that serve both personal and communal growth, we can create a more harmonious and interconnected world, where love and connection are seen not as finite resources to be competed over, but as abundant forces that enrich our lives and communities.
Come join us for an upcoming experience to cultivate dating as a practice.