We’re Online — A Different Kind of Connection

We are navigating new containers for connection as we’ve taken our in-person meetings into the virtual realm. Depending on the work we do, we may be spending hours on phone calls or video calls.

For each of us, we are having our own unique experience of this time. I’ve been speaking with several people in the humhum community about what it’s like to be single right now, and specifically, how it feels to date when we can’t be with one another in the flesh.

The current climate offers a rich environment to learn about our own patterning as it pertains to dating, because we literally cannot do what we’ve always done.

Many people declare, that connecting virtually is suboptimal when compared to connecting in-person. Virtual communication is definitely different than in-person communication. Going into any interaction assuming out of the gate that we are losing something, can definitely render our interaction to feel less satisfying. It felt important to then examine both the challenges, as well as beautiful opportunities that are present in this new virtual container for connection. The current climate offers a rich environment to learn about our own patterning as it pertains to dating because we literally cannot do what we’ve always done. Here’s what I’ve observed in my own experience and in hearing from others.

Talk is not cheap.

Conversation is now at the center point of our interactions. It has come to stand in for sharing experiences in the same physical space at the same time. We have less inspiration to draw from outside, less of our senses are engaged, and we’re nudged to draw from within to share. We need to dig a little deeper to get in touch with what to share when our inner landscape is changing much more dramatically than our outer landscape. Small talk is harder.

Going forward, we can examine the role the environment plays in our interactions. External environments afford a beautiful shared sensory experience that is irreplaceable — the feeling of sunshine on our skin, the visual beauty of architecture, flowers, the tastes and smells of food, the sounds of the city, of birds, of music.

When though do adding sensory stimuli deepen a connection, rather than distract us from seeing it clearly? Do we really need to meet for first dates at cafes or wine bars? Or can we learn more over video chat. What does sensory experience add or take away from the interaction? We can learn more quickly if we really can connect to a person when speaking with them vs. having to decipher if we simply enjoyed the company on a gorgeous day in the park. This time is an invitation to examine the ways we rely on our environments to entertain, distract or enhance our connections.

Try This: For the next week, notice in each interaction (or date), what content you’re discussing, and how connected you feel to the person. See what patterns you see.

Why so serious?

Because conversing is the center point, we are doing our best to be real, and bring authenticity into the conversation that perhaps we were less obliged to prior. As a result of the intensity of the time, and the added pressure of only having verbal exchanges to connect, the conversation can feel a little heavy and exhausting. It’s important we balance deep and meaningful discussion, with joyful, light interactions.

The degree to which a person can feel vulnerable and seen in a conversation correlates to how much they enjoyed a conversation, and in the case of dating, how attracted to a person they felt. Naming our discomfort upfront may actually ease and lighten the conversation.

Try This: When you feel funny, or nervous, name it. Tell the person you’re speaking with that you’re noticing some nerves in you. And ask them how they’re feeling. And, check out our list of light-hearted virtual date ideas.

Discernment is more simple.

All we have to go off of is if we would like to speak again. We don’t have to figure out if it’s as friends, as a date, as whatever. It simplifies things for us. We get to not-know when we will meet next and can relax expectations and figuring out “what it all means.” If this time has taught us anything, embracing not-knowing is a biggie and there can be some peace in this.

Try This: For your next three interactions, write down what you feel in the body, and if you feel a pull to connect again, or if you simply appreciated the connection in the moment but can let it be.

Silence is golden.

In-person, when we’ve run out of things to say we may just sit together, and not fill the space. Or we’d draw inspiration from our surroundings to make small talk. Small talk is not only harder as named above, but less satisfying given the range of emotions each of us is likely feeling on any given day. Silence can feel a bit more unnatural and uncomfortable on a video call, due to the lag and less information to gauge how comfortable the other person is. We jump in to fill the space to try to make the other person feel comfortable but may miss out on what arises in the pauses. This new container invites us to look inside of ourselves to see moments we fill space unnecessarily and to increase our capacity to share silence.

Try This: For the next week, when there is a lull in the conversation, allow the other person to speak first to fill it, no matter how long it takes. Notice what arises in that space.

Feeling safer allows us to open more.

In the case of dating, many have expressed feeling safer, and more open knowing there is no pending expectation to meet again or meet in person, and that there is a screen between them. Perhaps this is a primal feeling as our bodies are out of danger in the face of another, nonetheless, we are more willing to be vulnerable and explore a connection as we feel safer. Love is Blind, the reality TV show that conveniently went viral during this time drew attention to this as well. This is a chance to explore which expectations or obligations you lay on yourself that bring feelings of pressure you can free yourself from. And what boundaries you can create as you connect in-person to feel safe.

Try This: Notice how you’re feeling in a conversation and journal afterwards. If you noticed feeling more open, jot down what made you feel safe to open. If you felt closed, or less safe, jot down what in the interaction led you to close.

Being at home affords new opportunities for intimacy.

Having home-field advantage not only helps us relax but invites us to draw from our own personal environment to engage one another. We can share what we are up to in our sacred space, and give another a glimpse into our world. This can be thrilling and allow us to explore a different layer of intimacy.

Try This: On your next date, invite your conversation partner to give you a virtual-tour of one corner of their space they they love. See what they choose to share!

Integrating as we re-enter the physical world.

We have the gift of being able to look at which ways of being we want to let go of and which we want to invite in and continue on after we’re able to safely meet again in person. Continue to learn about yourself with every new interaction.

To practice watching your own heart and mind as you connect, and learn to keep virtual connection meaningful and light, join us at an upcoming humhum virtual conscious speed-dating experience. ❤