How is Your Dating Life, Really?

Since starting humhum, I have been asked countless times, “is it working?” “Has it been successful?” In short, yes! But how we define success at humhum is not about “match results,” the typical numbers game that we fall into playing when examining the question, “how is your dating life?” We measure success by assessing how much we are learning and growing as we practice connection. Dating, one form of connection, is a process — and like any process, if we try to bypass it and leap to the end, we suffer. Can we enjoy the process?

In dating, if we saw each “not-quite-right” as a failure, well then heck our whole dating experience would feel like one flop after the next.

If success were instead determined by how much we are growing and learning as we practice connecting with others, how much our heart is opening, and how authentically the beauty in our heart was shared with others, we could better embrace the process of it all. Success is learning how to discern which connections to give your energy to, and which not to. It’s noticing when you’re repeating unskillful dating patterns and when you’ve learned not to. It’s noticing when you are suffering in the process and then finding more and more enjoyment with each new interaction.

When we are asked, “how is your dating life?” I suggest we look at how well we are cultivating two important qualities within ourselves — confidence, and curiosity. The presence of these qualities of heart/mind leads to an authentic, joyful, and wholesome dating experience and an evolved and more magnetic you.

Confidence

I define confidence as our ability to trust ourselves and the flow of life. To know that some things we can and should take action on, while others require discernment, patience, and inaction. Our self-confidence grows as our faith in our inherent goodness, wholeness, and enoughness becomes known to us. From this vantage point, a romantic partnership can be viewed as an added benefit — to accelerate and amplify our existing awesomeness.

Curiosity

Curiosity I see as a lightness of heart, a willingness to not know, and a commitment to not pre-decide how someone will “fit” into your life. Curiosity requires a lack of attachment to the specific form of relationship you will have with a person so that there can be a playful exploration into the highest expression of the connection whether it lasts for a moment, or a lifetime, and whether it is platonic, professional, or romantic in nature. If we pre-decide, an agenda forms and we lose curiosity. This becomes a struggle and we will miss a potentially beautiful connection because we refuse to see it for what it is because it isn’t what we want it to be.

When we are asked “how is your dating-life?” I suggest we look at how well we are cultivating two important qualities within ourselves — confidence, and curiosity.

Cultivating confidence and curiosity is to practice awareness of their presence or absence in your experience.

We can cultivate these qualities first by being aware of their presence and absence each time we connect with others. Noticing…has an agenda formed? How are we feeling about ourselves? We can look at and examine four heart/mindstates that may indicate the strong or weak presence of these qualities in our efforts to connect.

When curiosity is weak or absent we may experience a need to control or have feelings of longing.

Controlling

Absence of Confidence, Absence of Curiosity

The suffering: We are gripping, clenching, and feel the need to control an outcome. We feel frustrated, irritated, tight, and a sense of closing in the heart. We experience a judging mind — we judge ourselves and others. If this is our experience, we are likely weak in both attributes of curiosity, and confidence. The impulse to control it is often due to fear and lack of trust in ourselves and the flow of life, and an unwillingness to open to an unfolding other than the plan you have in mind. Imagine your mind decides that because you get energized and excited around your colleague, you happen to find them attractive, and can talk for hours on end about everything, they are your soulmate. Pre-deciding could have you miss out on a potentially wonderful collaborative partnership with this person. Sometimes, there can be a lot of chemistry between two people, but the highest expression of that relationship may not be romantic in nature and instead some other special synergy. Your excited feelings are real, but be mindful not to jump to conclusions about what those feelings mean. You could miss out on a great relationship because of disappointment and frustration if things don’t flow in your pre-determined direction.

A suggestion: When we try to control, we are snagged. Ask yourself the question, where am I caught? What am I attached to? What do I believe I need to be true? Soften into that. Feel it in the body. Lay on the floor. It’s okay to be caught. We all get caught. What am I afraid of if I don’t get my desired outcome? What do I believe it will mean about me or about how life is? Go deeper into these questions, and don’t accept the first answer. Ask your heart again, and a few more times, what is it I refuse to be true? Why? When we can see the knot, it has space to loosen.

Longing

Presence of (Some) Confidence, Absence of Curiosity

The suffering: We believe we are ready and worthy to connect but are restless and eager. We easily slip into fantasies imagining a more perfect reality, abandoning the present moment. We are distracted and have a narrow focus, or we are leaning forward. These are all signs that we are likely experiencing an absence of curiosity despite the presence of some confidence. We become less discerning and are wanting a particular outcome and racing to it to quell our wanting rather than examining our experience with light-heartedness. For example, because you’ve done lots of work, and your heart is open, you may begin to project your open heart onto many lovely humans who you have some connection or chemistry with, or who express interest in you. You may experience lots of “near-misses” and start to convince yourself that those “maybes” in your field are right for you when you know deep down, they are not. If you have to talk yourself into someone or begin rationalizing and fantasizing how they could work, you’re likely in a space of longing. Or if you have developed a fiery crush on someone and those feelings are unreciprocated, you’re also likely in a state of longing.

A suggestion: Firstly, celebrate your open heart! How beautiful. Then, stay patient and honest with yourself. Remember that love is. It’s everywhere. If all of the beauty in this world is shining around you, and your neck is stuck, turned in one direction, and you’re straining your eyes to see something that hasn’t yet appeared, you’re missing the magic all over.

Open to all that is blooming before you, soak up every ounce of love in your environment and truly surrender. Stop looking in any one direction and at any one person. There will be a point that you needn’t crane your neck, that someone or the reality you seek will be just before you, will walk right up to you and will undoubtedly be the dominant experience in your field. Be where you are and let others be where they are. Your wholeness and contentment beget more of the same.

When confidence is weak, or absent we may experience feelings of doubt or surrender accountability to our own lives.

Doubting

Absence of Confidence, Presence of Curiosity

The suffering: Doubt is a subtle state of fear that we don’t or won’t have what we need when we need it. If we find ourselves withdrawing, closing, doubtful, confused, or holding on to a strand of hope that seems out of touch, we are likely lacking confidence in our ability to co-create our reality. For example, you’ve done a lot of incredible self-examination, therapy, yoga etc., you’ve met a lot of close-to-right people, and you’re still single, you could begin to believe that partnership is not your path, or you’re not doing something right, or that something needs to be fixed.

A suggestion: Reframe! If you have had many close calls, but they’re not quite right this is not a sign that what you’re doing isn’t working, it’s the opposite, actually! As better fit people appear in your life, it means what you’re doing is very much working, and you need to keep going and be patient. Each close encounter is a success. Remember that culturally, we are conditioned to view being single as a problematic state. Yes, while we are social creatures, and there are many advantages to partnership, being single is not an indicator that something is wrong with you. There are so many factors that come into play when we open to romantic partnership. Timing is a big one! As we know ourselves, we become more discerning, and the type of person we are looking to connect with becomes more refined. This is not a bad thing! When doubt comes over you, noticing its presence is the first step. Awareness allows for some space between your reality and the experience unfolding. Without trying to fix or change the doubt, ask yourself, is there fear? What am I afraid of? Stay with that feeling and allow what arises. You are your own best lover, listener, and friend. Offer to yourself that which you seek. Keep going, keep your heart open and trust that you’re on the right track.

When confidence and curiosity are high, we flow, and we become magnetic.

Flowing

Presence of Confidence, Presence of Curiosity

In this space, suffering is sparse. We experience openness, love, wholeness, and trust. We know and honor our needs and boundaries and thus become more magnetic to others. We trust that what is ours will come to us, and we are grateful for all we have. Gratitude emanates from our beings, and we are playfully making contact with and exploring the world around us. We are seeking Truth, and Truth is seeking us. New relationships of all kinds are forming and budding.

We practice patience. Patience is not denying our own heart but having wise discernment about what we expect of another and how much to share energetically. It is a natural balance, and rhythm which our heart knows.

There is no fear in loving harder because without an agenda this love can only bring connection and care. We feel more, and we return to neutral more easily. We allow. We allow excitement, nervousness, disappointment, and sadness. We see longing, fear, hoping and when we slip into wanting to control and we don’t close. We stay open to all of it. We bypass none of it — neither hoping for a cleaner, more elevated experience, nor judging ourselves for feeling the breadth of what we feel. We feel and welcome it all — we don’t close.

We know. We know the heart is an unfolding process, and like a flower, it takes time to bloom. And just because you’re having a strong connected experience doesn’t mean another is having the same, but maybe they are — and in both cases, it’s not personal.

We’re human, and we’ll flow between these various states of heart/mind. If we hold the intention to notice the absence or presence of curiosity and confidence, awareness will create more space for each to be cultivated.

Come Practice

humhum is a container practice cultivating these qualities with others seeking to do the same. We have several experiences coming up. Please see our schedule and come join the self-love revolution. Love starts within! We love you, and can’t wait to meet you.